The Cardiacs

White card stencil. Stanley blade hand cut out and placed over black card.
Frame 54cmx44cm signed and dated.

One single piece of card hand cut with a Stanley Knife, laid onto wooden floorboards to demonstrate
the stencil technique. Image is produced from the same piece of card. Image then mounted onto black card. Signed and dated.

This piece was the most challenging so far due to the black background of the original image and the 'floating' faces. Each of the five faces had to be 'anchored' to another and the edge to maintain the consistency of the one sheet of card.

Best Tunes of the Year So Far

Best tunes of the year so far.............

1. Outrageous Yurt – ‘Best Friends on Twatter ‘

Blurring the difference between an illusory image of a friend and the presence of that friend themself, Outrageous Yurt loom like sentinels of ‘the poke’ sometimes forbidding sometimes strangely inviting but always insecure. Lead singer, Clog Pathos utilises playful conceptual intervention with the chanted chorus, ‘Clog is doing the dishes’,’Clog is sleeping’, ‘Clog is thinking of his best friends on Twatter whilst being on Twatter’and ‘Clog needs to get out much much more’.

2. Weird Chimmney Sweep – ‘They’re Building A New Facebook Internment Camp’

The androgynous cutsiness of Weird Chimmney Sweep’s lead singer, Kunstsammlungen Kunt, with his swollen head and button nose and constantly startled gaze is saved from faux-mo sapien’s saccharin sentimentality by a balancing tendency towards an almost punkish provocation. Like label mates, Outrageous Yurt, ‘The Sweep’ set up a delusional fantasy world where people actually talk to each other.

3. Putrid Black Sponge – ‘WWWdotBullock.Parimutuel Tote Bag’

Bought this mainly for the free limited edition Posdnuos Buckaroo game. Hanging a plastic rucksack or a banjo in the shape of a daisy onto the rotund rapper’s back without making him ‘buck’ is what the Jips was made for.

4. Kwashior v Morpungo – ‘Gig Guide Tick Box Twat’

After hearing this I wanted to immediately go on line and look for a trip hop night.

5. The Baleen Plates – ‘Krill Bill’

Igneous rock on Crude Oil Records with a sprinkling of Exothermic Funk a smattering of Metamorphic Grunge and a healthy dollop of Techtonic Skiffle. Large.

6. Hemp Poncho – ‘Fell In Love At Thrapston Gravel Pit’

Japanned Dustpan step which has had me bamboozled for months. Yasser Arafat never wore a capped T-Shirt with a faux bison print on it with his scarf, so why do you?

7. Advanced Mange – ‘Gok Wan Is An Anagram’

Hissing with spite and 1920’s depression chic the ‘Mange’ prove why they’re still the scenester’s scenesters on the scene. Weasle and Vole population in Finland not affected.

8. Missive Attack – ‘Chirpy Chirpy Tweet Tweet’

Like being pulled apart by Housewives whilst haunted by H from Steps. Wilful Nu Jazz squalor

9. Timid Scrotum – ‘On Your Hateful Pete Doherty Waistcoat (A Plague).

Whiney little runt, MC Snarge, drops science and lays into Libertine-esque smack chic like Kakuta poaches eggs. Not Guilty Simpson, Your Honour.

10. Cashmere Sceptre – ‘P Diddy Cruise Liner Aneurysm’

Remember music isn’t just something you shop for kids, it’s a refreshment to be dispensed nasally. Promo Junket = MoFo Junky. Beezelbub cotton bud.

11. Orobator – ‘Rejecting The Frottage’

A modern dubstep reliquary of Funk within the White Cube Gallery wrapped up in a hessian sheet of semi-self-righteousness whilst someone listens to Sting’s Lute album on Joggle.

12. Dashboard Confessional – ‘The Sinister Death Cult of Emo Hair Straighteners’

Jaded Post-Bruk forum nerds listen up! Dashboard Confessional bring a sulk-fest to end all sulk-fests.

13. The Nylon Cagoules – ‘Wittenoom’

‘Shout going out to all the patients on The Rolf Harris Wittenoom Lung Ward!’ shouts MC Phoreski(n) unconvincingly. DJ Mitsubeeesheee continues with his ‘Sun-Ra-Rasputin lover of the Russian’s bean’ in a g-spotski type of a way. (Can be viewed on Flicker).

Cd Arrrr! Original Pirate Material

Just got back from a wicked evening down that famous London drinking tavern, ‘Plastic Pieces Of Eight’ and their monthly ‘CD ARRRR!’ event. An opportunity for pirates of all backgrounds to come together and share their precious dub plate treasures with each other, whilst drinking cheap booze from the baskets of ale-wives and discussing beard and parrot grooming. The (Royal) standard had definitely been raised since last I visited, with a real celebratory feel in the air. Not least because all the CD ARRRR pirates were, sozzled, pie-eyed and three sheets to the wind. I blame the rum and gunpowder cocktails brought over from the New World by that Moody Tomahawk Man.

What follows, are for me, a few of the highlights of the evening.

DJ Scurvy Knees – ‘Peg Leg Termite Blues’

Jeah, pure eye-patch melter! DJ Scurvy Knees was first up with this wicked piece of dark smoking musket heat. Sick sick beats - mainly due to a diet of ‘manly meat’ rather than namby-pamby fruit and green vegetables - this Bruk Beat Buccaneer got the whole joint-a-talking and all the parrots-a-squawking. Seen? (Well 50% anyway).


 Mack ‘The Cutlass’ David – ‘Well Ahu Dolly’

Re-edit of the 1964 song from the Musical of the same name. My Gal, Carol Channing’s voice fed through an Atari Ableton to devastating effect. Mans was pure dope stupid on Rhodes an’ ‘ting. Innit.

Seaman Staines And Roger The Cabin Boy – ‘Shiver Me Timbers (They’ve Rammed Their Sloop Up Our Poop Deck)’

Jeah. Urban myth of a tune. Did it exist? What did we hear? They definitely played a tune. Sounded a bit like Fortescue Kendal (a posho rapper not a picturesque Cumbrian village) when he did ‘Trussed-Up Guttersnipes of the World, Untie!’ Pure bulk-head careened teredo worm heat.

Marlinespike – The Marooned Five

Jeah, jeah, pure shipwrecked castaway heat from this Hackney genius. Whispers amongst the beards tonight said that he is the new ‘Grime Mozart’, and on hearing his sick sick beats underpinned with Der Schauspieldirektor fortepiano samples who am I to disagree. Cat–o’–nine-tails says so, innit.


Moody Tomahawk Man – ‘Don’t Axe Me (Caltrop Edit )’

Jeah, jeah, small clay pot of a tune, filled with burning sulphur, tar and gunpowder. The shadowy, Moody Tomahawk Man dropped his tune from behind a mainsail, whilst splicing the mainbrace and getting ripped to the tits on ‘liquor’. His favourite tipple in fact; rum with a dash of gunpowder. The tune even got all the barnacles and limpets at the bar raving. The spiky Caltrop edit gave the ridiculous beats a further menace, sounding not unlike Kraftwerk scoring a Bull Baiting and Cock Fighting Documentary for Five Live.

Long John Silver Connection – ‘Guttersnipe’ (Fetid Bilge Mix)

Jeah, pure head-nodding (black) beard melter. Long John Silver Connection brought the heat with this distinctly ‘under-the-weather’ piece of dub plate BUPA endorsed sickness. Wicked lyrics about ‘chopping, lopping and topping’. Beats and rhymes straight out of Croydon. Beard straight out of lime water and saltpetre.

DJ Gadzooks – ‘Big Wenches Bloomers’

Jeah, jeah, suffocating pot of burning sulphurous brimstone! Pure tonsil melter. DJ Gadzooks, led us big dogs on a merry dance when this tune came cannoning out of the speakers. Pure hands in the air love for the call and response chorus:

He - ‘Yo Yo! Whatcha’ Got In Yo Backpack?’
Us - ‘Big Wenches Bloomers!’
He - ‘Louder! I can’t heeeeeear you! Yo Yo! Whatcha’ Got In Yo Backpack?’
Us - ‘BIG WENCHES BLOOMERS!’
And so on….

Fundraiser For Mo

Mo is a 15 year old boy who was attacked in De La Warr Parade, Bexhill, shortly after he left a beach party on Saturday, October 29th 2011.

The racially motivated attack on Mo was devastating, and left him with critical injuries. He was rushed to the specialist brain injury hospital at Hurstwood Park Neurosciences Centre in Haywards Heath.

We are holding a fundraiser for Mo's ongoing care and support.

The event will take place in the garden of the Royal Standard pub, Hastings Old Town. Including DJs, musicians and much much more. Please come and support this event and let's try and raise as much money as possible for Mo and his family.

Judy Wow

 

Judy Wow - 'Butter Chocolate Sandwich' (Felt Owl)

Judy Wow were a guitar-pop group from Horton-cum Studley , near Oxford, England and one of the leading bands of the twee pop movement, taking their name from the headline of an NME interview with Judy Garland. They supposedly formed when Tabitha Pandora Ftang Ftang Treacle Bunny and Scarlet Rose Coochie Textures, both wearing Violet Elizabeth badges, met at The Douglas Bader Youth club for gifted and talented. Formed in 1986, their original line-up comprised Tabitha Pandora Ftang Ftang Treacle Bunny (vocals, guitar, and photocopied fanzines), her younger brother Rupert Rupert Ftang Ftang Treacle Bunny (drums, and corduroy satchels),Rossetti  Forniscue Gros Gris  (lead guitar and carrier bags), Shelley Wafts (bass and laudanum) and Fanny Cornforth Beatrix Twombly (vocals and school matriarchal vibes). Wafts left early on, to be replaced by Tinki Rinki Pinki Mahogony-Nagy (bass and adolescent distain).

The group made their live debut on March 5, 1986, and later the same year released a flexidisc on cutesy nursery rhyme folk songs label Hamble and two singles simultaneously on the Oxford -based label Weeble, "Sandals and Woolly Liberalism " and "Steaming Turd". Their appearance led to them being labelled as an "anorindie-ak” band, or ‘’those emotionally stunted weirdos from the posh estate’’ or ‘’those young freaks who hang around with that 46 year old woman’’.

Their one and only album, ‘’Butter Chocolate Sandwich’’, released on Felt Owl was less shambolic than the flexi and first two singles (some critics suggested it was over-produced) and went straight to number 92 in the Oxford Exchange and Mart indie charts. A video for the first single ‘’ Squabbling Marxist Factions’’ was made and was played on a Crimewatch reconstruction. The band distanced themselves from anything to do with the programme’s use of the video, saying they were unfairly represented in the women’s prison riot after performing in B Block for ‘Big Morag’s Sex Change Fundraiser’.

 For their second single from the album, the group returned to a song they had first recorded in session for Timmy Mallet’s show on Piccadilly Radio in August 1986, "Wrap Me Up (In the Mouldy Dribbles of Your Love)".  The single bombed at the time, but the album has been steadily gaining in cult status ever since.  In the mid-2000s, London clubs such as ‘Think I’m Going To Eat Worms’ would play extensive chunks of the album much to the joy of the punters as they revolted back into childhood.

The jingle jangle pop indie sensibility and naïve political dogma with which Judy Wow became synonymous began to be applied to bands from further afield than Britain. Sweden has a very unhealthy scene and the direct influence of Judy Wow can be traced to modern day bands like, TORVA GRÖNSAK, PYSSLINGAR and VYSSA SKÖNT.

Due to viral shit this movement continues to hold sway in Europe and America to this day. Judy Wow Scenes developed in the United States, particularly around labels such as Spigot Records and Play Dough Records. Bands of the US Diet Url movement acknowledged a debt to Judy Wow and Scottish band Wee Billy’s Bunnet recognized its influence too.

The inspiration of punk's DIY ethic manifested itself within the grooves of ‘’Butter Chocolate Sandwich’’ along with its roots in Scottish post-punk bands on the Cirrhosis Records label in the early '80s a scene referred to as ‘The Wee Cowering Shambling Beasties’ (Greggor Samas and Irn Bru) and the dominant UK independent band of the mid-'80s The Spygots.

Judy Wow - The Definitive Line up: From Left to Right, Tabitha Pandora Ftang Ftang Treacle Bunny, Fanny Cornforth Beatrix Twombly, Rupert Rupert Ftang Ftang Treacle Bunny, Tinki Rinki Pinki Mahogony-Nagy and Rossetti  Forniscue Gros Gris. (1986)

Android crAPPS

18 more ways to make life a little bit more cumbersome on your smartphone.

Zeitgeist Surfer

£6.99 * Convert zeitgeist forms into real life ‘coolness’ currency on your phone. Zeitgeist Surfer makes conversion easy, even handling mixed units like, Mutant Balearic, Pyrophile-Beat, Somali Hard-Bag and Moustache.

Mundane-o-matic

99p * Do you ever find yourself wishing you could produce ever more mundane Facebook updates but always end up producing something witty, humorous and amusing? Simply fire-up the Mundane-O-Matic, type in your text and, hey presto, you’re witticisms will be replaced with, ‘Looks like rain, Lol’, ‘I like dogs’, ‘I still don’t have the Timeline! LMFAO’ and ‘Here is a You Tube clip.’

Tattoo-Printer

£3.35 * This app converts whatever you draw on the screen into a permanent tattoo which you 'punch' into the skin with a special needle gun attatchment. Feel the regret in later years as you carelessly brand yourself with a goth sitting on a spacehopper, a smurf kissing a pistol or a circumcised stegasaurus winking at a nun.

Broodypig

£ 2.99 * Micropig like what the Beckhams bought. A teacup sized Tamagotchiee swine which requires constant feeding and ‘virtual’ mucking out. Potbellied App of the week, which will walk across your wallpaper and shit out your inbox. Also available; Chihuahuas, Ferrets and Kinkajous.

Unforgetable Firewall

£17.99 * Like Tetris but you build a virtual wall around Berlin with coloured ‘bricks’ and then airdrop in U2 dressed as ‘ironic Nazi brickies’ to play a gig.

Hoffoflap

£2.99 * Similar to Bonowall, but you build a ‘kit’ of ‘Kit’ whilst ‘Looking For Freedom’ blares out. Fuck you and your bubble perm, Michael.’

KLEPTOiSIXT

Free * Virtually walk into Borders. Virtually take a book off the shelf. Virtually stick said book under your coat. Virtually walk out. Virtually contribute to Borders demise...virtually.

Parasite Mover

£2.99 * Now it’s easier than ever for two iPhones to share parasitical data; with just a swipe of your dermatitis encrusted digit you can transfer nits, head lice, fleas, scabies and psychotic minge mites to another iPhone over the same WiFi network.

Twatterlator Pro

£17.99 * Now it’s even easier to stay in touch with whores in the locality when you’re on the go. Use Twatterlator Pro to see updates on price, availability and general health. Then bring it all to life on your ‘wipecleen onanist’s screen’ ©

Facelook

£16.99 * Turn your iPhone into your own personal mirror. High grade pixels convert the screen into a mirror.

Sarcastic SatNav

£47.99 * Turn your iPhone into a fully featured SatNav with Tom Tom Club’s Uziah ‘Sticky’ Thompson’s expert whiney-voice-guided turn-by-turn, directions, automatic re-routes and more. ‘Turn left, and you’ll see a long black asphalt thing which may or may not be a road, but I couldn’t comment because I’m not from round these parts and you should have taken the bus.’

Fairly hip Kid

£5.99 * Virtually washes dirty icon dishes as they build up on screen. Click and drag each grime encrusted pot into a bowl of soapy water and then click and drag onto a draining board.

We're All Crowing On A Summer Holiday

Free * ‘I’m on holiday and you’re not! Ner ner ne ner ner! *Thumb on nose and waggling fingers icon*Immediately updates every single step you take on holiday with a photo for your friends back home to follow at their office desks, which they like really respect you for! Look, we’re in a bar on Lesbos and you’re not! Look we’re having breakfast in the sunshine and you’re not. Look we’re dancing to some bloke from Dagenham’s laptop in a Croatian taverna and you’re not. Look we’re a pair of boasting, conceited, arrogant, crowing twats and you’re not.

02McIntyre

£0.59 * Produce your own ‘hilarious’ Michael McIntyre ‘stand-up’ routine by plugging random words from a provided list into a word play generator. Words include – Vacuum Cleaner, Cashpoint, new Shoes, Moss, and all the other mundane minutiae of life that this dick thinks funny.

Interconnectedness

£3.99 * Key your name into your iPhone, Key in a celebrity name, See the link. Hey you’re feeling connected. Now what? Tweets for people who don’t get enough ‘real’ texts and who eat Playdough.

Interrogative Inflection IM

£17.99 * Talk into your phones handset and your voice is immediately transformed into an AQI Dalston haircut.

Avatar Hangman

£5.99 * Turn your iPhone into your own gallows; with built-in GPS and detailed maps of over 15,000 execution sites worldwide, it calculates girth of rope needed to successfully dispense with all your enemy Avatars with ease.

Taking It Back To The Tweets

£59.99 * Converts your nicely educated middle-class writing into YGS (Yardie Ghetto Slang). I tried, ‘Hello, I am thoroughly enjoying my new Apps today.’ And got, ‘Hearminow! Yo Yo Yo raas bum claart, dem ting innit, blud, glock bro, glock burn im up like an old tyre wheel an ting!’

The Stone Roses Live

What with all the fuss about their reformation and the recent Heaton Park gigs in Manchester, I decided to dig out this piece of Roses bootleg vinyl history once again and give it a spin. Still stands the test of time, and definitely encapsulates the band at one of their most exciting and swaggering periods. Super rare and only available from Mr Sifters the week after the gig itself. Well worth tracking down if you can find it though. One recently sold on ebay for over a grand so good luck finding it.