APUS OCTANS
Chameleon ooze wave made by pagan Slovakians in Tatra caves.
Eastern European cybercriminal hackers will bolt terrifying chameleon ooze onto
your hard drive from their hermetically sealed abodes above Teri Meri Kahaani
and Martin. Pugilistic Meciar bastards.
STIFF ZOMBIE MOCK
Proving that it is possible to be wonderfully eclectic
without being namby-pamby the prime movers of the scene, Stinging Nettle, Crow
Snot and Lenient Noose, trip out over Stomach Cramp beats and Shopping centre
synths with cadaveric aplomb.
GARGOYLE
Smelted in the UK by Crog, Anal Nipple and See Shark Kick
Shark, Gargoyle is the sickly bastard brother of Nu-metal and Doom. Gargoyle
does roughly what Candlemass did, except slower, heavier and with the addition
of facial gurning and morbid tics.
URBAN SLAG STAG
Contemporary nu-wave of old wave’s new wave. They’re not
really waving, they’re beating each other up in the lap dancing clubs of
Gdansk. Music to watch girls by or Music to buy girls with a watch.
WIMPY
Not to be confused with the burger chain and Popeye’s mate,
although admittedly it is quite confusing due to all the participants of the
scene frequenting said burger bars like modern day denizens of the Korova Milk
Bar, minus the milk, bowler hats and ultra-violence. Basically a bunch of wimpy
kids in boiler suits discussing Solomon Eccle’s minty chalice.
JAW DROP
An orgy of clammy voices and malodorous beats declare this
sturdy response to post-dubstep open for business. Uniting such disparate
talents as DJ Mezzotint, Gibbet and Gash Phlapp, the genre buckles under its
own weight unhindered by talent and unchecked of ego.
VILLAGE SIMPLETON
Less a collective of bands, more a collective mindset. Tends
to describe a group of village dwelling hipsters who gather in the local pub,
pump the jukebox full of coins and sing along to The Killers records like they
were sub-Meat Loaf tracks and Ocean Colour Scene Unplugged. Attempted Moustache
derigeur.
NAIL FACE
Nail Face is a term recently coined by Blackpool’s Laughing
Policeman to describe that feeling created when passing obscure 80s Fleetwood
post-punk bands through the warped Pleasure Beach haunted house Moog of
righteousness.
MAQUILLAGE
Bands named after the bynames of late Medieval Burgundy
dukes seems quite an isolated movement but like other micro-scenes – Vintage Fanny,
Babycham Deer, and Turkish Bamboo – it has its devotees. A convenient appellation
for the thrillingly chivalrous bands that make Circulus sound like Gangnam Big
Bang.
SLAG PUCK
The flicker of fascination with musical cultures from around
the world add an exotic flavour to the Slag Puck movement, Marble Faun and
Lillian Gish both scour the internet for ‘exotic’ sounds from their bedsits in
Berkshire. A MIA for the anti-X Factor generation terrorists.
FACE EROSION
A self-defined movement of post-hardcore bands with a heavy
anti-melodic emphasis, Anthisan, Ventriloquist’s Cock, Butt Gum and Snivel, all
hark back to the 80s hardcore scene before it became all about Henry Rollin’s
Smeg fridge and book signings.
COARSE GRIND
Esoteric subset of Leeds ghetto house that evolved into
Wallpaper, lately popularised by Klutz Rev’s Stifler and Fluffy comps and the
Coarse Grind leanings of mythological producers Temple of Bacchus. Comes
accompanied by its own dance style, essentially a sleazy 70s Dr Hook
misogynistic hump against the Artex Monkey’s wallpaper.
SQUALID PLANK
Prow, Dead-Eyes, Knobbed Rope, Tarbrush and Horse-Bait, all
currently boasting the Squalid Plank sound, essentially post-punk skeleton
crews with maritime leanings. Seminal gathering at Camber Sands ‘The Plague
Sail Weekender’ is now logged into the annual bleak-mid winter festival
circuit.
GAWP HOUSE
House lifers sneer at this obsessive 4x4 affectation, but to
the converted nothing beats standing on a dancefloor and staring at the elevated
DJ whilst not dancing, notebook in hand and iRod in eye.
VAN KUR
Takes its name from that posho wonky glitch dubstep DJ Toby
Van Kur. Nocturnal dubby Aquacrunk music forms the soundtrack to many Fresher’s
Fairs, Welcome Powerpoints and night-bus rides home after Coldplay gigs.
SODDEN BASS
‘A brutal disembowelling of Drum and Bass, drowned in a vat
of reverb, techno and whump and then poisoned with a throbbing gristle doner’,
was how one meme cat described this Bass soaked movement on Pitchfork.
MOROCCAN LATECOMER
Simple arithmetic, you do the math! Moroccan bands who are
late to the Witch House fad. Combines eerie found sounds from Mogador Kasbah
floors, faceless beats, a smattering of existential ‘oOoOoOos ‘, and smart
reference points to Bogarting joints in Casablanca speakeasies.
PRANGSTEP
Dissolution, Clithero Orifice and Penny Dreadful may have
been prodding their fetid mugwump of a flag into music’s backside for years but
now a new generation of orc punks are ready to take up the mantelpiece of
dub-step with punkish flourishes.
NICKI’S MINGE
Derulo, Pixie, Florence, Lily, Kelly, Sadie, and Queen’s of
Noize all swear by it.
