Music As Weapon

Certain high street retailers have had enough of ‘Yav-Chobs’ (Chavvy Yobs), hanging around outside their establishments and intimidating their customers with Burberry clad Jack Russell’s, that they have adopted extreme tactics. What are the draconian measures that they have introduced I hear you ask? Robocop security guards with stun guns? Cameras with all seeing laser eyes? Dogs with teeth the size of garden shears? Nope, none of the above. They are actually playing Muzak at them! Airport Muzak in fact. The assumption goes something like this; the yoot of today will not wish to be associated with classical muzak as it is an affront to their ‘street’ credentials, preferring instead R+B, D+B and A+E, that they will leave the vicinity altogether.

 

I found all this very interesting and decided to delve a little deeper into the history of ‘music as a weapon’. We all know the USA blasted Noriega out of his compound with Heavy Metal but I bet you didn’t know that The Welsh Assembly blasted Harry Seacombe out of a canteen with Cradle Of Filth when he embarked on a one man sit-in protest at the price of their Cherry Bakewells. In an effort to ‘dumb down’, the Truro Workers Art Tavern played the Jet album non stop for twenty four hours at their members and in a bid to stave off insomnia the residents of Nelson Lancs booked Keane at their ‘Sleepless in Settle’ winter conference.

 

Aphex Twin famously played a sanding disc in order to terrify his devotional flock, but it backfired when they all stood there stroking their chins and making comments like, ‘Really bitchin’ tune dude, need it!’ and ‘Like wow, he’s really pushed the envelope out with this slice of sonic genius.’

 

For the Tantric Minstrels of Bengal, who take music to the people as a weapon of God the divine is something you find within. For Rabindrath Snowball, spiritual Busker to the stars of track and field, the divine was something he found on the road to Domestos, and a spiritual awakening ensued. Later he opened up The Order of the Jiff Ashram but was arrested for Bleach of the Priest.

 

Rembrandt and Velazquez could create the appearance of material with relatively few brush strokes. Beddingfield and Beddingfield can create the appearance of pop material with relatively few skills. Surely a secret weapon in their Arsenal?

 

Things were going well so I decided some fieldwork was in order. I took my My Little Pony Ghetto Blaster to the local farm along with a bunch of tapes inside my Wu Tang Clan Bread Bin. A herd of cows were munching grass innocuously so I decided to try out an experiment. I stood the Ghetto Blaster on the wooden fence behind a little shower curtain and, slid in a Kenny Dixon JR cassette. I pressed play and the field was filled with Detroit deepness. After a few minutes the cows were nodding their heads and going, ‘MMMMOOOOOOOOOODY MMMOOOOOOODY!’

 

Filled with excitement I moved to another part of the farm. Overseeing a field of sheep I changed the cassette and pressed play. This time as ‘You ain’t seen nothing yet’ drifted out of the speakers the sheep all looked up and nodded. After a few moments they all began crying out, ‘BAAAAAAAAAA BAAAAAAAAAACHHMAAAAAAAN’. I tried ‘My Baby Just Cares For Me’ in the stable and Dobbin the horse goes, ‘NEIGN NA, NEIGN NA!’. Tried much the same at the pig trough with some hardcore hip hop. ‘OINK ONYX OINK ONYX!’ Tried the Re-edit of ‘Sky Can You Feel Me’ at the little red rooster, ‘COCK-A-DOODLE-YAM-WHOOOOOOO!’ came the response. Finally dropped the Whiffenpoof song next to Old Shep. His ears pricked up and he howled, ‘WOOF WIFFEN WOOF! WOOF WIFFEN WOOF.

 

I’m approaching the Polytechnic of Battersea with my findings in the vain hope of funding for a Phd