A Potted History Of The Crackle In Vinyl

A potted history of the crackle in vinyl, for those whose ipods do not fizz, crackle, pop or show any of that 'surface' matter, for that matter.
 

1117 – the first crackle is discovered in Ye Olde Worlde Plague house, Pudding Lane, London. Locals are heard to shout, ‘A pox on your crackles sir, a pox!!’ as the gravest form of insult, as well as 'ye smoothe faced cunt ye! Why were it no for my filthy pock marked, line strewn face sir, I would be taken for a child chimmney sweep.'
 

1324 – Dogs are invented
 

1476 – Megaphones are invented
 

1524 – Colonel Tobias Emary Snowball-Truss listens to his dog barking through a megaphone. The image hangs in the ether of human consciousness for centuries.
 

1901 – The eminent Victorian scientist, philanthropist and vendor of quack nostrums, Dr Harlequin Pluckrosefeltch rediscovers crackles by accident. Working late one evening on sound reproduction in his study, he accidentally spills some tincture of warthog sputum onto his beloved musical cylinder organ. The discomfort of crackles throughout his favourite songs causes him such anger that he becomes a Tibetan yak herder.
 

1948 – Columbia release the first ever vinyl album by a young Danny Tenaglia called New Yoik, New Yoik. Due to an unfortunate disagreement at the pressing plant due to a dispute over sauce rations on the hotdogs, the acetates are forever soiled with mustard, ketchup and over excited loin splash.
 

1951 – RCA launch the ill fated 4-inch 45rpm single.
 

1952 – RCA launch the more successful 7-inch 45rpm single. The extra 3 inches allows for more crackle potential but it is argued that 3 extra inches = jazz crackle!
 

1955 – Bill Haley and the Comets release, ‘Rock Around The Unbearably Static, Crackly, Popping Grandfather Clock’ an homage to Bill’s Father’s Father’s Vandergraff Generator-cum-timepiece. Sales of 4 inch plus 3’s (as they are known) rocket from the crypt.
 

1976 – Punk Rock spawns a newer more deadly form of crackle as pressing plant employees happily ‘gob’ on acetates in reverential acknowledgement of what is between the grooves, and their need to release self-inflicted 'grollies' of UHU filth.
 

1983 – The CD is launched. Crackles are added when people eat their dinner off them.
 

1988 – The rave generation think the fizzes crackles and pops in the grooves are ambient messages sent from planet Ozric and a Guy Called Gerald.
 

1992 – CD sales overtake 12 inch vinyl sales for the first time. Farmers use vinyl crackle to scare moles and crows.CD favouring farmers invent BSE.
 

1997 – Sales of Samplers and turntables outstrip conventional instruments. As a fightback, Dr Nobel Gas Krypton, the eminent German scientist, invents a guitar, which sends out crackles.
 

1998 – Vinyl is 50 years old. Crackles gatecrash the birthday party, kick the door in, drink all the booze and scratch the furniture.
 

2004 – Old samples are released with crackles in new work. Debate flares. Crackles get angry. Say ‘It’s our ball and we’re not playing!’ and immigrate to Nevada, where they open up a motel with shit static TV reception.

 

2009 - Radiohead release a limited polythene bag full of pork scratchings, which they charge nothing for. Farmers complain, suggesting pigs have died for this shit.

 

2010 - Vinyl begins a resurgence. 180gm Audiophile copies of records sell out within hours. Audiophiles weep into their Snap, Crackle and Pop cereal due to the perfection and the loss.

 

2012 - Bands begin to realise the provenance of the crackle and add it to their recording process. Small minded men in Switzerland complain that paper particles are invading their grooves and are somewhat ruining the ambience of their fumidor collection of rare Tame Impala.

 

2013 - Hipsters are buying more 7" records than downloads. Hush my baby baby don't you cry.