Strip Jack Naked

Once upon a time there lived a vain Fat House DJ whose only worry in life was to play the most upfront minimal house tunes he could find. He changed his tunes almost every hour and loved to show them off to his people.

      Word of the Fat House DJ’s refined habits spread over his website forum and beyond. Two scoundrels who had heard of the Fat House DJ’s vanity decided to take advantage of it. They introduced themselves at the Introductions page of the forum with a scheme in mind.

      "We are two very good Re-edits Producers and after many years of research we have invented an extraordinary method to produce a tune so minimal and fine that it sounds like silence. As a matter of fact it is silent to anyone who is too stupid and incompetent to appreciate its quality."

      The website moderator heard the scoundrel's strange story and sent for the cynical forum member. The cynical forum member notified the longest serving forum member who ran to the Fat House DJ and disclosed the incredible news. The Fat House DJ’s curiosity got the better of him and he decided to PM the two scoundrels.

      "Besides being silent, your House Highness, this tune will be mixed in beats and patterns created especially for you." The Fat House DJ gave the two men a bag of Gak in exchange for their promise to begin working on the tune immediately.

      "Just tell us what you need to get started and we'll give it to you." The two scoundrels asked for a laptop, piles of unreleased CDR pressure, more Gak and then pretended to begin working. The Fat House DJ thought he had spent his money quite well: in addition to getting a new extraordinary tune, he would discover which of his fans were ignorant and incompetent. A few days later, he called the old and wise, longest serving forum member, who was considered by everyone as a man with common sense.

      "Go and see how the work is proceeding," the Fat House DJ told him, "and come back to let me know."

      The longest serving forum member was welcomed by the two scoundrels.

      "We're almost finished, but we need a lot more Gak. Here, Excellency! Admire the sound colors, feel the minimal-ness!" The old longest serving forum member bent over the mixer and tried to hear the tune that was not there. He felt cold sweat on his forehead.

      "I can't hear anything," he thought. "If I hear nothing, that means I'm stupid! Or, worse, incompetent!" If the longest serving forum member admitted that he didn't hear anything, he would be discharged from the website.

      "What a marvelous minimal sound, he said then.”I'll certainly tell the Fat House DJ." The two scoundrels rubbed their hands gleefully. They had almost made it. More Gak was requested to finish the work.

      Finally, the Fat House DJ received the announcement that the two Re-edit DJ’s had come to preview the minimal house tune .

      "Come in," the Fat House DJ ordered. Even as they bowed, the two scoundrels pretended to be listening to the new tune.

      "Here it is your royal House Highness, the result of our labour," the scoundrels said. "We have worked night and day but, at last, the most beautiful minimal house tune in the world is ready for you. Listen to the beats and feel how fine they are." Of course the Fat House DJ did not hear any beats and could not feel anything like ‘House’. He panicked and felt like fainting. But luckily the computer chair was right behind him and he sat down. But when he realized that no one could know that he did not hear the tune, he felt better. Nobody could find out he was stupid and incompetent. And the Fat House DJ didn't know that everybody else around him thought and did the very same thing.

      The farce continued as the two scoundrels had foreseen it. Once they had taken the CDR out of the laptop, the two began cutting the air with their hands while hovering over the keyboard with their invisible re-editing skills.

      "Your House Highness, you'll have to take all your tunes out of your box to try and listen to the new one." The two scoundrels dropped the new tune into his player again and then held up their hands. The Fat House DJ was embarrassed but since none of his bystanders were, he felt relieved.

      "Yes, this is a beautiful tune and it sounds very good to me," the Fat House DJ said trying to look comfortable. "You've done a fine job."

      "Your House Majesty," the longest serving forum member said, "we have a request for you. The people have found out about this extraordinary tune and they are anxious to hear you play it in a club." The Fat House DJ was doubtful playing his silent tune to the people, but then he abandoned his fears. After all, no one would know about it except the ignorant and the incompetent.

      "All right," he said. "I will grant the people this privilege." He summoned his driver and a ceremonial parade to the club was formed.

A group of house fans stood at the very front of the decks in the club and anxiously scrutinized the faces of the people on the dancefloor. All the people had gathered in the main room, pushing and shoving to get a better listen. An applause welcomed the regal Fat House master. Everyone wanted to know how stupid or incompetent his or her neighbor was but, as the Fat House DJ span his new tune, a strange murmur rose from the crowd.  

      Everyone said, loud enough for the others to hear: "Check out the Fat House DJs new minimal tune. It’s beautiful!"

      "What a marvelous piece!"

      "And the beats! The beats of that beautiful Fabric type club tune! I have never heard anything like it in my life!" They all tried to conceal their disappointment at not being able to hear the tune, and since nobody was willing to admit his own stupidity and incompetence, they all behaved as the two scoundrels had predicted.

      A lad in the cloakroom, however, who had no important job and could only hear things which his ears reported to him, went up to the decks.

      "The Fat House DJ is playing nothing," he said.

      "Fool!" his boss reprimanded, running after him. "Don't talk nonsense!" He grabbed the lad’s arm and took him away. But the lad's remark, which had been heard by the bystanders, was repeated over and over again until everyone cried:

      "The cloakroom lad is right! The Fat House DJ is playing nothing! It's true!"

      The Fat House DJ realized that the people were right but could not admit to that. He though it better to continue the tune under the illusion that anyone who couldn't hear it was either stupid or incompetent. And he stood stiffly behind the decks, while behind him forum members held their hands in the air to the imaginary minimal house tune.