Android crAPPS

18 more ways to make life a little bit more cumbersome on your smartphone.

Zeitgeist Surfer

£6.99 * Convert zeitgeist forms into real life ‘coolness’ currency on your phone. Zeitgeist Surfer makes conversion easy, even handling mixed units like, Mutant Balearic, Pyrophile-Beat, Somali Hard-Bag and Moustache.

Mundane-o-matic

99p * Do you ever find yourself wishing you could produce ever more mundane Facebook updates but always end up producing something witty, humorous and amusing? Simply fire-up the Mundane-O-Matic, type in your text and, hey presto, you’re witticisms will be replaced with, ‘Looks like rain, Lol’, ‘I like dogs’, ‘I still don’t have the Timeline! LMFAO’ and ‘Here is a You Tube clip.’

Tattoo-Printer

£3.35 * This app converts whatever you draw on the screen into a permanent tattoo which you 'punch' into the skin with a special needle gun attatchment. Feel the regret in later years as you carelessly brand yourself with a goth sitting on a spacehopper, a smurf kissing a pistol or a circumcised stegasaurus winking at a nun.

Broodypig

£ 2.99 * Micropig like what the Beckhams bought. A teacup sized Tamagotchiee swine which requires constant feeding and ‘virtual’ mucking out. Potbellied App of the week, which will walk across your wallpaper and shit out your inbox. Also available; Chihuahuas, Ferrets and Kinkajous.

Unforgetable Firewall

£17.99 * Like Tetris but you build a virtual wall around Berlin with coloured ‘bricks’ and then airdrop in U2 dressed as ‘ironic Nazi brickies’ to play a gig.

Hoffoflap

£2.99 * Similar to Bonowall, but you build a ‘kit’ of ‘Kit’ whilst ‘Looking For Freedom’ blares out. Fuck you and your bubble perm, Michael.’

KLEPTOiSIXT

Free * Virtually walk into Borders. Virtually take a book off the shelf. Virtually stick said book under your coat. Virtually walk out. Virtually contribute to Borders demise...virtually.

Parasite Mover

£2.99 * Now it’s easier than ever for two iPhones to share parasitical data; with just a swipe of your dermatitis encrusted digit you can transfer nits, head lice, fleas, scabies and psychotic minge mites to another iPhone over the same WiFi network.

Twatterlator Pro

£17.99 * Now it’s even easier to stay in touch with whores in the locality when you’re on the go. Use Twatterlator Pro to see updates on price, availability and general health. Then bring it all to life on your ‘wipecleen onanist’s screen’ ©

Facelook

£16.99 * Turn your iPhone into your own personal mirror. High grade pixels convert the screen into a mirror.

Sarcastic SatNav

£47.99 * Turn your iPhone into a fully featured SatNav with Tom Tom Club’s Uziah ‘Sticky’ Thompson’s expert whiney-voice-guided turn-by-turn, directions, automatic re-routes and more. ‘Turn left, and you’ll see a long black asphalt thing which may or may not be a road, but I couldn’t comment because I’m not from round these parts and you should have taken the bus.’

Fairly hip Kid

£5.99 * Virtually washes dirty icon dishes as they build up on screen. Click and drag each grime encrusted pot into a bowl of soapy water and then click and drag onto a draining board.

We're All Crowing On A Summer Holiday

Free * ‘I’m on holiday and you’re not! Ner ner ne ner ner! *Thumb on nose and waggling fingers icon*Immediately updates every single step you take on holiday with a photo for your friends back home to follow at their office desks, which they like really respect you for! Look, we’re in a bar on Lesbos and you’re not! Look we’re having breakfast in the sunshine and you’re not. Look we’re dancing to some bloke from Dagenham’s laptop in a Croatian taverna and you’re not. Look we’re a pair of boasting, conceited, arrogant, crowing twats and you’re not.

02McIntyre

£0.59 * Produce your own ‘hilarious’ Michael McIntyre ‘stand-up’ routine by plugging random words from a provided list into a word play generator. Words include – Vacuum Cleaner, Cashpoint, new Shoes, Moss, and all the other mundane minutiae of life that this dick thinks funny.

Interconnectedness

£3.99 * Key your name into your iPhone, Key in a celebrity name, See the link. Hey you’re feeling connected. Now what? Tweets for people who don’t get enough ‘real’ texts and who eat Playdough.

Interrogative Inflection IM

£17.99 * Talk into your phones handset and your voice is immediately transformed into an AQI Dalston haircut.

Avatar Hangman

£5.99 * Turn your iPhone into your own gallows; with built-in GPS and detailed maps of over 15,000 execution sites worldwide, it calculates girth of rope needed to successfully dispense with all your enemy Avatars with ease.

Taking It Back To The Tweets

£59.99 * Converts your nicely educated middle-class writing into YGS (Yardie Ghetto Slang). I tried, ‘Hello, I am thoroughly enjoying my new Apps today.’ And got, ‘Hearminow! Yo Yo Yo raas bum claart, dem ting innit, blud, glock bro, glock burn im up like an old tyre wheel an ting!’