10 Reasons Why Records Are Better Than Pets

We inherited a cat on Record Store Day and ironically it reminded me of this -

Ten Reasons Why Records Are Better Than Pets.

10.) The tedium of having to clean out goldfishfish bowls and white-frog glass tanks is well documented. Cleaning vinyl is just a quick wipe with an isopropranol-impregnated cloth and a cheeky toot if youre feeling game. Watching a goldfish go round and round is dull as dishwater; watching a record go round and round is a fookin' spiritual experience maaaaaaan!

9.) Budgies, parrots and Macaws witter on incessantly about whose a pretty boy then and pieces of eight. At least vinyl junkies witter on incessantly about unwanted creases in Impulse cardboard sleeves. Far more interesting.

8.) If you owned a pet whale you would have a nightmare finding storage space for it. Whereas if you collect vinyl you would have a nightmare finding storage sp.....actually, wait a minute!!

7.) You dont have to walk your vinyl around on a daily basis like a dog, unless of course you are a DJ. Where you then have to walk your vinyl around on a nightly basis. But at least you don't have to stand near a lamppost whilst your copy of Tarzan by Roy Ayres takes a leak or wait around whilst your Growers of Mushroom Booty sniffs the arse of someone elses Rings of Saturn album.

6.) Tesco sells cheap cans, packets and boxes of pet food. 32p for a tin of Katkins Chunks seems reasonable enough you may say to yourself but add all those cans, packets and boxes up over say a year and youre looking at a hefty sum of money. A hefty sum of money you may be tempted to spend on cheap Tescos CDs instead. Before you know it, you are prostituting yourself as a cheap supermarket CD whore whilst foregoing your beloved vinyl collection. All due to cats!

5.) Kingsnakes are noted for their Catholic tastes. They eat all manner of animals from frogs and salamanders to small birds and small mammals. Vinyl Junkies are also noted for their Catholic tastes but they eat Kebabs, cheese and Coconut Magnums.

4.) Some exotic pets are illegal in this country. Bootlegs of Soil and Pimp are also illegal in this country but a cracked copy of The Pimpmaster doesnt get stress-related problems stomach ulcers, nervous tics and aggression like Macaques do.

3.) You dont have a thriving colony of vinyl living deep within the bowels of the New York City sewer system do you? Colonies of unwanted alligators you do! Two boys shovelling snow into a manhole discovered a 6-foot 'gator trying to make his escape from the sewer. The boys lassoed the sickly saurian with a clothesline and dragged him up to street level. The alligator gnarled them both to death. That would have never happened with a Gnarls Barkely record.

2.) Records dont bite your lips like deadly tarantulas do. A friend of a friend was so badly bitten by a tarantula that she had to have her lips amputated and she can never kiss again. She wishes she'd bought Kiss by Prince instead of the deadly arachnid but it is all too late now for Mrs Lauder.

1.) Records dont piss on your carpets. Simple.