Do you miss the reality of record shops? Do you still hanker for the tactile beauty of vinyl? Do you long for those halcyon days spent flicking through racks of dusty records without a care in the world? Do you find buying music online a souless empty lonely experience these days? More importantly, do you miss the foreboding humiliation and patronising nature of the record shop employee? That self-righteous, smug, character who stood behind his counter - and it always was a male – waiting to denigrate your choices, to destroy any hope you had of leaving the shop with any ounce of dignity and credibility, because he knew best and he would let you and all around know that. Do you still hanker for that masochistic 'whack' administered to the very depths of your record buying soul?
If you answered yes to any of the previous questions, fear not! The ‘App Record Shop Employee’ or ‘ARSE’ for short, is just the thing for you. Just in time for ‘Record Store Day’ this digital Audio workstation App is an electronic system designed solely or primarily for playing back a digital audio voice track along with your online record shop purchases. The microprocessor-based system will run various audio interfaces as you browse and make your various vinyl, cd or digital choices online. Compatible with computer, laptop or smart phone, the ARSE comprises of a basic collection of regional voices to choose from – surly Manc, aggressive Cockney, aloof scouser, or patronising Brummie – which you upload to your app.
The audio interface works as you scroll your curser over various website musical products and gradually modifies as the browsing experience develops. For example, you may rest your cursor over the new Puffy Fetlock EP ‘Kwashiorkor v Morpungo’, and a voice will pipe up, ‘What you thinking of buying that for you fucking student?’ You may be interested in the recent 12” by The Baleen Plates - ‘Krill Bill’; were you to hover over the artwork icon, you may hear, ‘Ha ha ha, you Wurzel Twat! Don't even think about it!’
The patronising humiliation ratchets up a level should you actually listen to a sound clip. For example over the top of said sound clip, you may hear, ‘For Fuck’s sake, you better leave this shop now you sad tosser and get yourself down to Our Price!’
Orobator’s ‘Rejecting the Frottage’ may be playing in your headphones and you might get, ‘Ha ha ha, you cloth eared dickhead,you want to come back when you’ve got better taste in tunes mate!’
The merciless humiliation reaches its zenith if you actually commit to buying anything by placing it in your checkout basket, and woe be tide anyone who has the audacity to actually purchase anything. Click and insert your card payment details and you’ll get ruthlessly barracked in the following manner, ‘Ha ha ha, what a bag of shite mate, my dog’s got better taste in music than you and he’s deaf’. Or you may get, ‘You’re just buying that ‘cos Craig Charles told you to!’
Further analog audio tracks you may randomly get are, ‘That’s proper shite that mate!’, ‘Ha ha ha ha!’, ‘Great choices pal (sarcastically)’, ‘Hey Dave, we’ve got Peel’s record buyer in here today (shouts sarcastically), ‘You cloth eared hipster twat!’ and ‘Fuck off out of my online shop!’
So if you truly do yearn for those smug, self-righteous put downs from record shop employees from ‘Back-in-the-day’ the App Record Shop Employee is the app for you. Available from today from all reputable outlets.
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