Impasse

Two DJs have just finished their sets for the night and leave their respective nightclubs simultaneously through the back door, each stepping into the same rubbish strewn alleyway. Both carry two large flight cases and as they make their way down the passage they’re whistling and dreaming of sunnier climes.

Both come to an abrupt halt. They’re facing each other. The sodium lit alley is too narrow for either to pass successfully without one having to reverse. Their whistling ceases and their flight cases are slowly placed to the ground.

‘Alright?’ nods the first after a few moments, eyeing up the second DJ with suspicion.
‘Alright?’ nods the second with equal suspicion holding the first’s stare.
Clearly both are aware of the implications the situation holds for them and neither is in the mood to back down and reverse.
‘Think you’re gonna have to let me get past you mate’ says the first with some commitment, ‘which means you’re going to have to back down the alleyway’.
‘Ha!’ snorts the second in a derisive manner, ‘was thinking exactly the same thing about you mate!’
‘Well we’ve got a bit of situation here then haven’t we?’ counters the first.
‘Indeed we do mate, indeed we do.’ glowering at the second. After a brief pause he continues, ‘Listen, I’m far to important to be standing here all night debating this with you, I’ve got things to do people to see you know the score, just do us a favour and back up will you?’
‘Too important! Ha!’ snorts the first with some contempt, ‘If anyone’s important, it’s me. I’ve just rocked a club of at least 100 people all night.’
‘One hundred?! Pah!, small fry mate! I’ve just played to at least 250!’
‘Yeah well, I’m sure you did, Mr Corporate Superstar DJ’ he says voice dripping with sarcasm, ‘It’s all about keeping it real for the underground pal, not selling out to the Ritzy cheese and cash’
‘What are you talking about? I’ve never played any cheese in my whole life! In fact my tune of the night was, Bambaataa’s Planet Rock! Whole place went off!’
‘Planet Rock!! Jeez, how original! Really pushing the envelope there aren’t we eh?’
‘Well if you’re so credible what did you drop tonight?’
‘Charly by the Prodigy.’
‘Ahahahahahahahaha’
‘What you laughing at? Proper old school breaks in there, inspired all the jungalist and rave massive back in the day!’
‘I bet they waved their glow sticks in the air like they just didn’t care, eh?’
‘When I played at The Junior Boys Own Party in East Grinstead in 88 they all waved their hands and that was enough.’
‘Bet you didn’t rave with Flowered Up at Blackheath mansion? I got a Weekender acetate that night?’
‘Better than that, I supported Graeme Park at the Hac in 88!!
‘Ha well I played the first night at Amnesia in 89!’
‘I dropped Techno for the travellers at Castlemorton for free in 92 so back up!’
‘I supported the last night Slam played at The Arches in Glasgow in 98, so you back the Frock up!’
‘Listen mate! I played on stage with Orbital at Glastonbury in 94, so you better back up or there’ll be trouble!’
‘Trouble! Ha! You and whose army? I invented the Acid House smiley logo!!’
‘I built the Bass Clef club with Norman Jay!’
‘I invented Dingwalls and the very concept of Gilles Peterson!!’
‘Right! That’s it! You’re dead if you don’t move NOW!!!’

He doesn’t

They both fly at each other, nostrils blazing. A horrendous fight ensues, the like not seen since Ali fought Forman only worse. After several minutes the dust clears.
‘Excuse me sir are you all right?’
‘Eh? Whassat?’ Groans the first DJ prostrate on the floor, and painfully opens a bruised eye, ‘Who’s that?’
‘It’s officer 808 sir. I heard a commotion up the alley and so I came running. What exactly happened here and how did you get into such a mess?’
‘Well you better ask him over there!’ he says pointing into the middle distance.
‘Who sir?’
‘That pompous idiot who wouldn’t let me walk down this alley. Ask him!’
‘Er, there isn’t anyone else here sir.’
‘What are you talking about man? He came from down that alleyway earlier on’.
‘That’s just not possible sir’.
‘Why not?’
‘Because it’s a dead end sir, there’s nothing down that alley but a brick wall, there’s definitely no one else here sir. No one at all. Now do you want to explain how you got yourself into such a mess sir?’