A Beginner's Guide To Old School Hip Hop (part 1)

A Beginner’s Guide to Old School Hip Hop (Part 1)

1. In 1873 Bumptious Jamaican ex-pat Kool DJ Herc landed on Planet Rock in his propane propelled Tobago Toboggan. He took up a job as a lab assistant at Playahood ‘dropping’ Science Industries, where he began mixing samples in a Petri dish, ‘just for the craic’. One night he was working overtime – saving up enough money to Pimp up his Toboggan – when he accidentally mixed up the juice of a Kangol with some toast crumbs (Croutons), with essence of South Bronx Pork Scratchings and Hey Presto! Hip Hop was born.
Herc’s part time job as a boating lake janitor also afforded him the opportunity of shouting at people in a rather melodic yet melancholic officious type way.
‘Come in number six, your time’s up’, ‘Stop twatting that duck with your oar you Mother F*&*£$%^!’, ‘Oh it’s not number six, number nine’s in trouble’ and ‘ Yo! Mother^%%$ **%£ %”£%* *”Y%%* $&^ in my boating lake!’ were some of his favorites.
One spring day he took his little Hip Hop Petri dish to the boating lake for a special treat, affixed a small sail and floated it off over the lake. He began shouting at it just for old time’s sake, and Hey Presto! MCing was invented as well.

2. Afrika Bambaataa, another lab assistant at Playahood ‘dropping’ Science Industries sneaked into Herc’s lab one night and found the Petri dish. He smoked its essence in a Lucozade Bong Bottle and experienced several visions. One such vision told him he should dress like Michael Caine in the film Zulu, but he soon realized that that vision was taking the Pith. Another vision suggested he should amass a vast ‘eclectic’ record collection which he immediately did by purchasing copies of ‘Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep’, ‘Long Haired Lover From Liverpool’ and ‘Hot As A Dockers Armpit’ by Budgie.
The eccentricity of his break choices within his eclectic sets brought nothing but derision from purists everywhere, but he remained unperturbed. Mixing Cliff’s ‘Summer Holiday into ‘Tonight Long Stick Goes Boom’ by Krokus he irked the purists everywhere and unwittingly invented ‘Big Beat’, for which he is still very sorry and all that.

3. The Littlest Grand Wizard Theodore used to catch bats in caves tunneled for Japanese landing barges during the Second World War. The ‘scritchy scratchy’ noises they used to make once firmly ensconced within his Wizard Bat Satchel would, on occasion, move him to tears. So much so that he decided to emulate their sounds on record by moving the vinyl back and forth under the stylus just before his mother called him down for dinner. A dinner consisting of Batty de Foi Gras, Bat Aloo, and Arctic Bat with sprinkles.

4. Sylvia Robinson, a vagabond proselytizer, who by day wrote gloriously pithy depression-era poverty skits for cruise ships and at night ran a record label called ‘Sugar Hillock’ was another important cog in the development of Hip Hop. Cashing in all her cruise ship tokens she released, ‘Rapper’s Angel Delight’, which although not the first Hip Hop tune, definitely put Old School Pudding Hop firmly on the map. So much so that MC Spotted Dick and DJ Rhubarb Crumble started a beef with Sugar Hillock and a drive-by shouting ensued. Grand Master Flash, a gold painted midget fire eater from Kansas became the first gold painted midget fire eater from Kansas to rap on John Craven’s Newsround.

5. A group from Jamaica Queens, consisting of Jamaica Queens (Rastafarian Elton John fans) attempted to capture the Hip Hop sound as it was played at the original parties on vinyl but failed miserably. Their 12”, ‘Captain Fantastic and the Dirt Brown Afghan Leb’ sank without a trace. It was down to Warehouse Shoelace clearance men Run DMC to finally capture the sound successfully with their tune, ‘Walk Like An Egyptian In Shell Toes’.

6. Spooky bearded hermit type man, Ben Rubin Gunn left his Kosher Labyrinthine cave on Long Treasure Island and joined forces with Jazzy Jpeg Leg. Together they formed Jolly Def Roger Jam Records and took over the pirate airwaves everywhere. LL Blue Cool Beard’s, ‘I Need a Doubloon Exchange’, was their first release, putting both Hip Hop and Pirate Finance firmly on the ‘treasure’ map. Jazzy Jpeg Leg, appeared on Rolf Harris’ Cartoon time where he showed off little digital pictures on his wooden stump.

7. One day Ben Rubin Gunn was passing a pet shop when he saw three squawking whining beasts in the window. He purchased them as a job lot and offered them a recording contract on the spot. The Beastie Parrots were born. ‘No Sleep ‘til Millet’, ‘My Perch (She’s On It)’ and ‘You Gotta Fight for Your Rights to Have Kelp In Your Cage’. were just three of their huge hits. They toured England and gained notoriety for laughing at budgies, stealing mirrors from purses and having an inflatable Cockatoo on stage.

8. Marley Marl’s Cold Chillin’ Ice Cream Factory incorporated such artists as, Kool Lolly G Rap, Masta Choc Ice, Roxanne Mint Cornetto, Biz Lolly, and Mark the 99 King. Eric B and Rakim, two ice cream van drivers for Mr Whippy were also touched by the Cold Chillin’ Ice Cream magic, when they released, ‘The Coconut Magnum Fiend’.

9. KRS-One (aka the Krispy Ruffled Solicitor) met Scott La Pebble at a soup kitchen where Pebble worked as chief soup maker upper. They both began making soup together as Boogie Down Broth Promotions. Classics included, ‘South Bronx Gazpacho’ and ‘The Crouton Is Over’ – an assertion that little fried bread cubes were the spiritual symbol of Hip Hop dating back to Kool Herc’s Petri Dish. Ironic that the croutons were crumbling and Hip Hop was dispersing all over the country by now.

10. Dim but lovable dentist’s nightmare Flavor Flavanoid, was discovered in a watchmakers shop trapped within the confines of a Cuckoo Clock by kindly Campanologist Chuck D. Released on parole by Chuck, they formed a group. Flav suffered recurring nightmares from the cuckoo clock experience and would ask for the time almost every minute of every hour. The original name of the group was ‘Amphibian Sedation Watchmaker’ but this was later changed to PE in honor of Chuck’s PE teacher a Miss Spindle ‘chips’ Triticale.