A Beginner's Guide To Old School Hip Hop (part 2)

A Beginner’s Guide to Old School Hip Hop (Part Two)

1.) Uncle Marmalade Jamrock, the Michael Faraday of Big Rig sound systems, would throw parties in LA’s disused rock quarries for retired Dr Who villains on a weekly basis. Cyberman Ice T visited these parties regularly and became inspired by the whole scene. Originally a Saluki breeder from Ormskirk he settled in LA when the archaeological dig he was attending had to disband early because the leader discovered an Ornithischian’s skull at the foot of his bed and fled in terror. Archaeological Mob symbols come laded with Cretaceous Mafioso smiles.
Cyberman Ice T was also inspired by poet turned organic gardener-pimp, Iceberg Lettuce Slim. ILS had several hoes which he would use to cultivate his organic cabbage patch and potato crops. It was here, on work experience, that Cyberman Ice T learnt how to deal with hoes and (his gardening) breeches and where he eventually developed his cabbage patch ‘gangsta’ persona.
Unfortunately one day a rival crew broke into his organic crib and, showing no mercy, savagely and barbarically sawed through the branches of all his trees in the apple orchard. Cyberman Ice T responded with the tune, ‘Coppice Killer’.

2.) Dr ‘no-use-in-a-real-life-medical-emergency’ Dre, a construction site worker from LA’s Lower Upper West End East Side never drank milk as a child. Instead he gravitated immediately onto Rusks laced with Chronic. Sometimes referred to as ‘Crusks’ or ‘Da Ronic’, he would nibble on them whilst making Mini Slim Shadys out of his yellow Lego bricks. ‘Would anyone with enough ‘twoers’ for the real Slim Shady’s head please stand up?’
One afternoon whilst on the construction site he hooked up with ‘The Wrecking Ball Crane Driver Crew’ Easy E and Ice Cube. Together they made, ‘Boyz N the Hoodie’, a Blaxploitation theatrical version of Bugsy Malone based in Merthyr Tydfil. Unwittingly, Juvenile-ASBO-Gangsta-Custard-Pie-Splat-Hop was born.

3.) NWA – named after the members of the band, Nigel, Wilberforce and Arthur – produced ‘Straight out of Trumpton’ as a savage indictment of the riots happening down Chigley way. Capt. Snort, Mrs. Honeyman and the Chigley Skins all feature prominently. A savage lyrical blast furnace of anger -
‘Straight Out Of Trumpton,
A crazy MotherF***** named Windy Miller’

4.) A commune of Hebridean Ornithologists was shocked to hear of such a ‘Gangsta’ mentality coming out of their wind-up Argos radio, that they decided to act. The mellow hippies decided to forgo their free and easy lifestyle, living in 500ft high rock nests with puffins, guillemots, storm pestrels and peregrine falcons and move to America and bring, ‘like a consciousness element to Hip Hop’. De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest and The Jungle Brothers were all part of the Native Larks Tongue in Aspic Posse. They would stand defiantly in front of Gangstas on the streets of LA and place daisies into the barrels of their Glocks whilst humming Steely Dan tunes.

5.) Gang Starr and Brand Nubian were originally all puppets on Sesame Street. Gang Starr were the two eccentric English refuse collectors, Sparco and Dassler who had a penchant for eating cravats and drinking Toilet Duck (Jim Henson’s Creative Workshop clearly suffering a momentary lapse of reason at the time) and shouting, ‘RUBBISH BLEACH!’ in a Dorset accent to great comic effect. Brand Nubian were three Death Metal Emos who would play Venom and Slayer behind the Snuffaluffagus on their beat-box and terrify the placid beast to great comic effect.

6.) DJ Matted Cack and MC Fetid Matter both met at the 15th Annual Scary Grimmace Competition in LA. They both drew for first prize, a DVD of Marathon Man and a tin of Tate and Lyle and got on like a house on fire. They formed a band called ‘Muck Splatter’ a ‘Straight Edge’ Hardcore Band and released an album called, ‘No Thanks, No W****’, which sold five copies, all to Henry Rollins. One day whilst working in the studio they discovered some ‘Crusks’, accidentally left by Dr ‘no-use-in-a-real-life-medical-emergency’ Dre and they ate them. Hey Presto! Cypress Hill was born.

7.) Snoop Doggy Dog, a man with possibly the most ridiculous name in Hip Hop since, MC Twat Face Bucket Pig, was born in an orphanage for stray cats. So ashamed of his feline background was he that he would constantly make dog noises on record in an attempt to throw people of the scent of the real truth. Facially reminiscent of the Great Dane in that ‘Dogs Playing Snooker’ painting, he has been clearly successful in adopting the persona of a dog in general. So much so that his backstage rider consists of, 10 tins of Pedigree Chum, a ‘squeaky’ bone, a vial of Frontline, a shredded tennis ball, a bowl of tap water with ‘Snoop’ etched into the porcelain and a petrified pig’s ear. All supplied by Neil Tennant.

8.) Two Live Crew ran a Thai Bride Agency from the back of their uncle’s uptown burger Van. At one point it was so successful that they found themselves catering to the whole of LA’s business and military community. A new internet game appeared, developed in their honor. The ‘Six Degrees of Separation’ involved people working out through ‘six chain links’ how they were related to a Bangkok Lady Boy. In LA it usually took just one ‘link’.

9.) Puffy Fetlock’s Hip Hop Chip Shop has been well documented in the hallowed pages of Jazzrig before but it is a little known fact that Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde, the original backers for the Chip Shop in question made their money/doubloons working/robbing alongside Ben Rubin Gunn ‘back in ye olde day’. The chief cook at the Chip Shop, ‘The Notorious Deep Fried Mars Bar’ went on to harden the arteries of Hip-Hop for many subsequent years.

10.) And so it came to pass that Gandalf the Wu Wizard decreed a new school should be built. The Old School he argued had served its purpose. He summoned his Seven Wu Dwarfs and a wrap of ‘Snow White’ to help him out. Over the next five years they found a suitable site, assembled a governing body, purchased equipment and hired the teaching staff. 100 students were put on roll and the new school opened to a fanfare of leftfield beats and ‘nuff lyrical spitting. All was going fine until Old Dirty Bastard OFSTED shut them down for not complying with Government decree/dictat. Hip Hop went South and a new chapter began.