Postman Pat Metheny

18 Hixwille Way

Nerina Pallot Close

Clayhill

4AD 3DCD

Mr Papiercut

Customer Services Manager

Royal Mail

765 Gimp Fils Sack Road

London

LOL CYANT

Re: Postal Service Provided

Dear Sir,

On 22^nd of May, I was expecting a parcel to arrive from my son who lives in Australia. I waited until at least 2pm in the afternoon at the address shown above. No parcel arrived. The morning mail used to arrive without fail at 8pm on the dot. I looked out of my front door at around 2.30pm and was flabbergasted with what I saw. A man in a postal workers uniform was sitting up my apple tree and strumming a guitar. This long haired miscreant had the audacity to not only trespass on my property but to play what I can only describe as ‘drug induced’ music with no discernable structure or melody. I approached him and explained who I was and that he was trespassing upon my property and that he should leave immediately. I asked him who he was and he replied, ‘Hi I’m Postman Pat Metheny, chance-taking guitarist and deliverer of letters and parcels’.

It was an incredulous situation. The fact that he was ‘allegedly’ working for your service and yet had no intention of delivering my mail until, in his own words he, ‘managed to like get some chords augmented man’ was a disgrace to the Queen and her Royal Mail. After some altercation and debate he eventually threw me down my parcel but continued playing his ‘mood-jazz music, maaan’ for a further ten minutes before leaving the tree and eventually, my property.

A couple of days later and I’d still not had any post delivered. I looked out of my kitchen window and once again saw ‘Postman Pat Metheny’, this time sitting by my garden water feature strumming his guitar. I approached him and demanded my mail. ‘Oh Maan,’ he replied, ‘I’m really feeling the beautiful ripples, it makes me want to really stretch my musical boundaries but without losing my core audience’.

I told him I didn’t give a stuff about his ‘core audience’ and that I wanted my mail immediately. After what felt like a couple of hours of what can only be described as putrid abstract wibble music, he handed me over all my envelopes and parcels.

The icing on the cake came a few days ago when, without post for another week, I checked outside my window and saw Postman Pat Metheny sitting in my son’s old sandpit and remarking that, ‘it was just like Del Mar’ and that he wanted to ‘capture its sandy essence and the Balearic wonderment by using modal structures and oblique affectations.’ I yelled at him to give me my mail and leave my property immediately. He mumbled something about me being a ‘jazz fascist’ and comparing me to Kenneth Clarke.

I am disappointed because the Postal service you provided was unsatisfactory, because clearly Postman Pat Metheny is incapable of delivering mail without having to write some God awful song beforehand. This is in breach of contract as laid down by the law.

To resolve the problem I require you to get rid of Postman Pat Metheny immediately and reinstate my previous Postman. Postman Pat Nevin.

I look forward to hearing from you and to a resolution of this problem. I will wait for one week before arranging for the matter to be corrected by a third party at your cost or seeking help from my solicitor. Please contact me at the above address or by phone

Yours sincerely

Kenneth Clarke